-Isms: Views on life in rural America

Recently, a friend and I had a conversation about relationships and whether we argue with our spouses. I found the topic humorous because A.) A press release landed in my inbox that day about the very topic and didn’t provide solid advice or facts; B.) Most arguments in our household are political in nature, usually ending when I fact check Scott’s rhetoric; and C.) We rarely have over-the-top arguments.

Occasionally, an intense conversation about business takes place, but those are at a minimum and never swerve out of control.

We’ve been together for 18 years and in that time, we’ve only had one extreme verbal disagreement. It stretched over a three-day period. We didn’t speak to one another. I stayed up writing until the wee hours of the morning and he left before the sun surfaced along the horizon. Then I’d head to school in O’Neill and timed my ETA at home for after lunch, to avoid the growing knot that tightened and gripped my guts and the incessant ache of disappointment that ripped at my heart.

Three days of silence. We sat across from one another at the kitchen table during the evening meal. Silverware scraped against a plate, getting on the one frazzled nerve left untattered. The only other noise came from a Weather Channel meteorologist. It was March and that meant calving season.

Those three days of silence were tough, especially when we had a new grandbaby and I wanted to share the oohs and ahs over the groups of photos Courtney sent.

Now, Scott and I both have a stubborn streak. Truth be told, both of us may have been waiting for an apology. Truth be told, we both had different ideas about what sparked the debate. Only after we apologized following an hours-long discussion did we exit the argument feeling like solid, meaningful communication took place.

That’s the thing about arguments: both sides feel like they aren’t being heard. We fight to prove someone wrong instead of seeking understanding. We wage personal wars and cast blame instead of taking a good look at our personal prejudices. We play the victim, hoping bystanders offer sympathy and plant seeds of doubt about the other party(ies) butting heads.

We can’t always claim we were provoked or chalk it up to a bad childhood or a terrible, horrible, no-good day or blame Mercury in retrograde.

We need to become better listeners. By developing this skill, we’ll be slower to have a knee-jerk reaction to a heated situation. Dedicated listening leads to better understanding of another person’s goals or concerns.

The bottom line is simple. Fighting or disagreeing does not make you stronger. Strong relationships happen when you put the relationship first, when you learn something new about the person or persons involved, when you own up to your handling of the situation.