Isms: Views on life in Rural America

Coming to a TV or social media channel soon: “How To Survive Cooking With Your Spouse.”

You no doubt think I’m joking, but Scott and I have talked about it for years. It might not be like the Food Network’s “Down Home With the Neelys” or “Extra Virgin” on the Cooking Channel. No, not at all like these examples.

Obviously, we joke about it, too.

I’m afraid our cooking adventures would include some old-fashioned ribbing, a few unappreciative glares, a stolen kiss or two and multiple instances of bleeped-out expletives.

We have different cooking styles, that’s for sure.

Case in point, our latest “episode,” which could have been filmed Sunday afternoon. It’s a good thing cameras weren’t rolling. If I had to name this scene, it would be, “WTH did you do to the enchilada casserole?”

Picture it: scene one, take one (complete with stage notes.)

(LuAnn enters kitchen, pauses and gives her husband a disapproving look.)

“Why are you adding enchilada sauce to meat mixture?”

(Camera zooms in on the cast-iron skillet which contains a concoction of simmering ground beef and veggies, then pans to Scott, his hand mid-air, pouring a cup of enchilada sauce.)

Any home cook worth a darn knows, a thin layer of enchilada sauce needs to cover the bottom of the pan, especially if it is going to bake on a Traeger grill.

“This prevents the tortillas from sticking,” I undoubtedly would say to the audience watching at home.

(Pan back to Scott, who rolls his eyes.)

“I know what I’m doing,” he says, grabbing a ladle, gently spooning the spicy liquid into a 9 x 13 pan. “You don’t have to tell me how to cook.”

(Deep sigh from the spouse. Tight shot on LuAnn) “Obviously, I do. If you don’t know how to make it, you could ask for help or you could Google it.”

(Wide shot so both are in screen.) “If I have to Google a recipe, I shouldn’t be in the kitchen,” Scott says.

“Exactly,” I say. (Couple assembles the casserole, witty banter ensues, a few tense moments ensue involving the difference between using mozzarella or cheddar cheese in Mexican cuisine.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

(Wide shot of the Schindler kitchen.) “Is it ready yet, It’s only been on the grill for two hours,” LuAnn says.

(Camera follows Scott to back porch.)

“%*&*^,” He says. “The grill ran out of pellets. (He adds pellets, restarts smoker and adds another layer of cheese.) “It’ll be ready in 30 minutes.”

(Slow fade to an hour later, because the chef fell asleep on the couch. Fine china sits on the dining table. Scott brings in a steaming pan, sets it on the table and dishes two servings. Both take a first bite.)

“The cheese has a nice smoky flavor,” Scott says.

“And it didn’t stick to the pan since you listened to me,” I respond.

(They continue to eat as announcer talks.)Stay tuned for next week’s edition of “How To Survive Cooking With Your Spouse,” when the Schindlers debate iceberg and romaine lettuce.

Trust me, it’s a big debate in this household.

Bon appétit.