-Isms

If you believe the most annoying sound in the world is nails scraping across a chalkboard, you’ve obviously never slept with someone who snores.

The sounds is ... well, in our house, a cross between a buzzing chainsaw and sputtering motorcycle.

It never fails. Just as I drift into deep sleep, Scott rolls over and snores in my ear.

I’ll whisper (okay, yell over the clamoring), “Stop it.” Or, I’ll attempt to roll him onto his other side, praying for a reprieve.

Both are short-lived intervention tactics. Not surprising since snoring often occurs during deepest sleep.

Of course, Scott denies he snores. Then sometimes, he’ll say he snores a little, but swears it’s never loud.

That’s when I decided to record his snoring sessions to prove my point. Naturally, he didn’t believe it was him. Even showing him the time on the recording app didn’t convince him.

By 4 a.m., I’m hoping I will finally get at least an hour of uninterrupted sleep as soon as his internal alarm goes off. And I do ... until he flips on the light, searching for socks or his phone. It’s no wonder I’m exhausted. Fact: snoring affects mood and the constant rumbling definitely affects my outlook.

A few weeks ago, one of the grandsons spent the night and fell asleep on the couch. I’d been busy cleaning the kitchen and folding laundry, and when I finally turned off the television for the evening, I could not decide who snored louder: the 9-year-old in the living room or the 51-year-old in the loft.

Dueling snorers, in surround sound.

Is it a family trait?

I’ll admit I sometimes snore, although I don’t think it’s at the level of rafter-shaking turbulence produced by my better half. Although, there have been times, I’ve snorted loud enough it’s awoken me from a lazy Sunday afternoon nap.

I’m positive I’m not a mouth-breather. I’m also certain my slight snoring was caused by a cold or allergies or stuffy nose.

Snorers: have no fear, you aren’t alone.

According to Principles and Practice of Sleep Medicine, “about 40% of the adult population snores.” SnoreLab breaks it down even more, noting that roughly 40% of men and 20% of women - approximately two billion individuals - snore.

Now, it’s time to find a solution.

My sister gave Scott a box of Breathe Right strips after a Husker football weekend trip with us left her sleepless in Lincoln due to the never-ending cacophony. Unfortunately, the strips did not work.

I hoped a memory foam pillow would lessen the roar, since it would align the neck and air passages. Epic fail. Still snoring.

I’d buy a chin strip - something that looks like wrestling headgear - but I’m afraid a pool of drool would cover his pillowcase, so that’s out. And, that’s just gross.

Perhaps I’ll download a snoring management app - yes, it’s a real thing - and let the algorithms determine the next step to a quiet night’s sleep.

Since it’s a proven fact that as you age, throat muscles and tongue relax even more, making snoring more intense, be prepared for some sort of snoring intervention, dear husband.

Honey, I love you with all my heart, but when I tell you about your snoring problem, you should know I’ve weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

The next time I’m kept awake from your snoring, be prepared for a pillow fight. Nothing like getting blindsided by a zinger of feathers to stop the insani... -er, snoring.